My Secret
by LisbethDreams
Summary: A belated 2009 Thanksgiving party for the Webber/Spencers and Nikolas Cassadine.


Lucky insisted on having Nikolas over for a family dinner – a belated Thanksgiving as it were. Not that I usually minded but I'm keeping a secret from my finance, one that would break his heart and potentially tear our family apart. I know I should tell, but I'm not ready to face my own secret, so how can I share it.

I messed up a chart this morning while on duty at General Hospital. Thankfully it didn't result in anything life threatening, only embarrassment on my part. It was the anxiety over this family dinner that caused it. I'm distracted all the time, even with the boys.

My poor boys, they don't understand any of this. I used to take them to see their cousin Spencer at least every other week and when they didn't go to Spoon Island, Spencer came to our home. It's been many weeks since the boys have played together. It's not fair to them, but it's what has to be, at least for now. I'm running out of excuses however, so I had to acquiesce to dinner.

All Cameron could speak of last night as I tucked him into bed was seeing "Spence" and showing off his new talent with a hockey stick and puck. The smile on his face as he spoke of his best friend was blinding, the kind that demands a mother deny her son nothing. Even Jake was excited. Usually he doesn't like to share his big brother or his mother with Spencer. For all his jealousy over Spencer, Jake loves his Uncle Nikolas. Nikolas was teaching him to ride – at least he had been before...well before my secret.

I had to run to the store twice on my way home from work. I forgot to pick up the bread I ordered from the little French bakery. Thank goodness no one expected me to cook. My first hosted dinner resulted in the driest chicken in the world. I was surprised it wasn't smoking when Lucky carved it. Everyone laughed, except Nikolas. He just looked at in in his dignified, aristocratic, and aloof way and served himself a hearty portion. It took two glasses of water for him to swallow a mere three pieces of chicken. He was so gallant. I begged him to stop and finally he agreed, digging into the only edible portion of the meal, the boxed brownies I made for dessert. At least I had managed to not over bake those.

The brownies became a joke for the four of us, Lucky, Nikolas, Emily and me. It's the only food item I was allowed to bring to our dinners. My cooking has improved since then. I have an excellent crock-pot recipe for chicken, one that results in a moist and delicious bird. I knew better then to attempt it today.

Mike prepared most of the meal for me and since everyone likes the food from Kelly's I didn't have to worry about that. All I had to do was pick up a few items at the grocery store and get the bread. I was all the way home before I remembered the bread.

The boys didn't understand why I wouldn't let them out of the car. I couldn't, Lucky wasn't off duty yet. I had just gotten off the midnight to noon shift at the hospital and now I had two screaming boys in the car with me. I had to remind myself that I love both my children and my life.

Eventually, we made it home. The boys were happier now that they could be out of their car seats and run and play. I put most of the meal in the oven. I had to check the oven temperature twice, just to make sure I was following Mike's instructions to the letter. I couldn't trust myself. Then it was time for marathon bathing. First both boys and then a quick shower for me, all the while hoping the boys would stay clean. I was left with only enough time to set the table before Lucky arrived.

He took over with the kitchen prep after greeting the boys. It was wonderful to have his help and he is the kind of guy who doesn't mind doing chores around the house. I just wish we were still the young couple who pledged to love each other forever in that lonely little chapel. We were full of expectation and hope back then, anything was possible. We were going to grow old together – growing together.

Looking back I don't know when we grew apart. Did it start with Lucky's "death", when he went missing? Was it our first failed marriage? Was it a result of our past mistakes or were they the result of our growing apart? I honestly don't know the answer.

Oh God, Nikolas had finally arrived. He brought wine which gave me an excuse to hide in the kitchen. I decanted the red and put the Muscat in the fridge to chill for dessert. From the kitchen I could hear the brothers laughing and talking – one of them might have been a little tense – but perhaps that was just me. The three boys were screaming with delight. I paused a moment to enjoy their joy. This is the part of life that I do love, the time when I don't need to remind myself that I love them, I just do. I soaked in their happiness, happiness that my secret would destroy.

Both Lucky and Nikolas helped me put the food on the table. I had managed to only say about ten words to Nikolas the entire time. I realized that I left that darn bread in the kitchen and went back for it. Upon returning to the dining room I found the only available seat was to the left of Nikolas. I couldn't object with out creating a scene and disrupting everything, so I took my place.

Dinner was strained at first, at least for me. Eventually I relaxed and began to enjoy the company of my favorite people. It felt like old times, the time before we lost Emily. Then dessert happened. I went to get the caramelized apple custards and turning bumped into Nikolas. He had volunteered to pour the wine, so he followed me into the kitchen. Blushing, I stammered an apology and quickly moved away.

With false cheer I served the dessert. My entrance was greeted with four happy cheers. Feeling Nikolas close behind me I hurried to serve the boys. Nikolas was busy pouring the wine. After serving the last piece of dessert I sat down and realized that I had dropped my napkin. Reaching for it my fingers brushed Nikolas'. He had reached for it too.

Just the tips of our fingers grazed the other's. My fingers tingled and I stopped breathing, the world stood still. His thumb ran gently up and down the length of mine, our fingers entwined. The warm sensation of his calloused hands sent electricity flowing like lightning through my body. I love work roughened hands – strong, calloused, and all man. Nikolas' hands are like that, honed from years breaking horses.

Our eyes caught. I heard Nikolas moan slightly as he shut his eyes and quickly retracted his hand from mine and returned it to the table. Bereft of his touch, I froze long enough to have Lucky recall me to the table. Picking up the napkin I pretended everything was fine, laughing and eating dessert with my family.

Even as I write this, hours after dinner, my right hand tingles, Nikolas' ghostly hand still caresses mine. Such a simple touch and all I can think of is Nikolas, of being with him, of having his hands run over all of me. That is my secret. I am engaged to one brother while...no, I won't say loving, not yet...while desiring the other.


End file.
